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Please Define the Definition of "Define"

Published in Blog on September 28, 2022 by Will T. Zwart

Dateline: 2022, Washington, DC (not in a galaxy far, far away run by the Imperial Guards under the rule of the evil lord Darth Vader).

In response to certain objections raised by various political organizations, lobbyists, and legislators attempting to justify their jobs, Joe Biden has enacted a new initiative to combat vocabulary deemed offensive, confusing, misleading, or "misinformationativeistic." 
 
To this end, a comprehensive list of terms and phrases that have been evaluated and redefined, and may be referenced below. Biden added a personal note at the beginning, but much of it was redacted for "security purposes": 

The following words and phrases are henceforth officially redefined as follows:
 
Misinformationativeistic
Anything Biden says is not what he says. It is when he got lost on the White House lawn or trying to find the Easter Bunny or shaking hands with phantom donors which may cause distress to Barbara Streisand, Joy Behar or Joy Reid or anyone under the age of 32.
 
Inflation
A stable economy.
 
Border
A figment of one's imagination.

Immigrant
Removed from the dictionary, as there is no such thing.
 
Democracy
A free and fair governing system that is absolutely not self-destructive and fails every single time.
 
Republic
The ruling government in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, but totally NOT of America. 
 
Constitution
You know...the thing.
 
Woman
Definition pending until biologists can be consulted.
 
Truintanationaevadepresure
A word that can be substituted for any other word.
 
Vaccinated
Definition changes daily. Please consult your local congressman or Dr. Anthony Fauci's dog. Please note: certified health professionals are not reliable sources for this.  
 
ANTIFA
An idea rooted in peace and harmony.
 
Critical Race Theory
Standard school curriculum that has nothing to do with race.
 
Semi-fascist
See: Republican
 
Mother
Birthing person
 
Father
Also a birthing person, depending on their current mood on any given day.
 
Experts
All-knowing
 
FBI
All-seeing
 
Congress
All-powerful

Elites
See: Experts

Meghan Trainor
All about that bass.
 
Kamala Harris
The President of the United States...occasionally.
 
Jill Biden
The Vice President of the United States...occasionally.
 
Climate Change
A global crisis that can be easily solved by giving all your money away.
 
Taxes
A charitable, mandatory donation to the federal government, which is then funneled to Congress via Ukraine.
 
America First
A nationalist, extremist group that harbors the dangerous and radical idea that America should succeed. 
 
Semi-Fascists
See: Extremists
 
Extremists
Lying, dog-faced, pony soldiers who:
1. want secure borders
2. want honest elections
3. didn't get vaccinated
4. did get vaccinated, but not enough
5. support the police
6. don't support giving away billions in foreign aid
7. don't support drag queen story hours for children
8. want a say in their child's education
9. exercise the right to bear arms
10. want free speech
11. aren't on Facebook
12. don't trust government
13. do trust government, but not enough
14. don't vote along party lines
15. self-govern
16. want a say in their government
17. don't want to be raided by the FBI in the middle of the night
18. know history
19. believe in God
20. have faith in America
 
We jest…but this parody of redefining words is not entirely unimaginable. The only solution to preserving our Republic is an Article V Convention of States to ensure measures like this are not enacted…EVER. 

"Abuse of words has been the great instrument of sophistry and chicanery, of party, faction, and division of society."

John Adams

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