Dysfunction in the Crack House

It’s not every day a bag of cocaine shows up at the White House, one of the most secure locales on earth. But then again, it isn’t a regular occurrence in American history for the president’s son to be so controversy-saddled as Hunter Biden, who once smoked crack every 15 minutes, slept with his brother’s wife, and fathered an out-of-wedlock child with a stripper, either.

However, we have been assured by both the Crack House White House and the media that the drugs couldn’t have possibly come from anyone in the president's family—they were all at Camp David.

“The Biden family was not here,” Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre reassured the press in her characteristically unhelpful style.

“They were not here Friday. They were not here Saturday. They were not here Sunday. They were not even here Monday. They came back on Tuesday [the drugs were discovered on Sunday, July 2].”

Fair enough. But in that case, who brought the drugs?

Well, mysteriously, the White House has no answers. None at all. Somehow, someone pulled off the impossible; brought crack into the presidential mansion, past all security, and didn’t get caught even by the security cameras.

Oddly enough, the reported location of the crack is also shrouded in mystery. First, officials claimed that the drugs were discovered in a West Wing work area. Next, they backtracked and said they were in a reference lobby. Then, the story changed again—the cocaine was actually in a “cubby near the White House’s West Executive entrance.”

Of course, multiple investigations have been launched, but I’m willing to bet now that the mystery will never be solved (and anyone who suspects Hunter or any other Biden family associate will be called a conspiracy theorist). Such is the way of our oh-so-capable, totally competent, and extremely efficient federal government.

And while we may never know who brought cocaine into Joe Biden’s White House, perhaps this serves as a fitting metaphor for the dysfunction of D.C. politics. Sure, it may not be every day that drugs show up at the White House, but in our nation’s capital, this level of incompetence is simply an everyday occurrence. And the only way to fix it is with an Article V convention.