Wednesday marks International Children’s Book Day, honoring Danish author Hans Christian Anderson’s birthday (April 2, 1805). But if you stopped by your local library, hoping to find one of Andersen’s classics — The Ugly Duckling, The Little Mermaid, or The Princess and the Pea — and instead encountered titles such as Antiracist Baby, The GayBCs, or My Two Dads, perhaps we should have warned you that, as beloved author Matt Walsh has pointed out, “the children’s section … has become totally flooded by left-wing propaganda.”
Prior to this brave, new, rainbow-colored world we’re living in, kids’ literature was dominated entirely by reviled white men: Theodor Seuss Geisel, Eric Carle, Lewis Carroll, Roald Dahl. Now, it’s populated by fearless Hamas apologists, DEI laureates, and childless cat ladies who dare to speak their truth. It’s diverse! It’s beautiful! And there’s only one rule: no white men allowed (unless, of course, you’re a trans white man)!
More than likely, though, your library still bears all the marks of the patriarchy. Be honest: you haven’t read Dylan Mulvaney’s new book, Paper Doll: Notes from a Late Bloomer, have you? Ibram X. Kendi’s How to Be an Antiracist is still absent from your shelves.
You’re treading on dangerously thin ice. But, perhaps, you can still turn things around — and spare yourself the wrath of the blue-haired activists on TikTok— by bringing home the following volumes to celebrate Children’s Book Day. Families come in all shapes and sizes, but whatever yours looks like, we sincerely hope these classics warm your hearts.
1. She’s My Dad! - Sarah Savage
Anyone who’s been to the kids’ section in the library over the past five years can tell you that tales about two mommies and two daddies abound. These days, it seems the easiest way to write a left-wing bestseller is simply to come up with some random kid’s name and say that he or she (or they) has two parents of the same sex. E.g., Jane Has Two Mommies, Heather Has Two Mommies, Papa, Daddy, and Riley, Jessica's Two Dads.
But that’s why this book about a dad who’s a lady is especially unique. Quoting from the author’s excerpt:
“My Dad's name is Haley. She used to be a he but now she is a she! Last year she did this thing called transition. She grew her hair long, painted her nails in bright colours and started wearing different clothes.”
The author continues...
“When Mini's cousin accidentally misgenders her dad Haley, Mini explains why misgendering is hurtful and why we need to treat trans people with respect. Mini speaks with confidence about transitioning and gender identity, and helps to educate and empower others with trans relatives or friends.”
Of course, they used the word “empower.” What else did you expect? What’s more empowering than a dad in heels!
2. Girls on the Rise - Amanda Gorman
Empowerment, as you can see, is a major theme in woke literature.
You may remember Ms. Gorman as the revolutionary poetess who wore a blinding shade of yellow at Joe Biden’s inauguration. Apparently, it was a very *empowering* experience because she recently wrote a kids’ book about how girls “finally have a say.”
Enjoy the following sample of Gorman’s truly regal poetry (complete with commentary from yours truly), and see if it doesn’t tempt you to purchase a copy:
We are girls like never before (profound)
Speaking out more and more, (how brave!!)
Because when our quiet is broken (a line which, the more you think about it, makes very little sense)
The world must hear us roar. (okay, Katy Perry)
I bet you didn’t realize that, before Gorman, women never had a say in anything. Neither did we. But that’s because we were all propagandized by the KKKardigans. Thanks be to Amanda Gorman for liberating our children.
3. Johnny the Walrus - Matt Walsh
Some people accuse this guy of being a conservative infiltrator. But he seems pretty legit to us. I mean, his book literally topped the LGBTQ+ charts on Amazon!
Mr. Walsh, whose Fred Rogers-esque sweater and warm, fatherly voice confirm his very legit identity as a best-selling children’s author, wrote this modern classic about a boy who pretends he’s a walrus until his mother attempts to medically transition him into a walrus because she was listening to crazy people on the internet before ultimately learning that just because her child has a vivid imagination doesn’t mean she should irreversibly harm his body to endorse his childhood fantasies, which some might interpret as a metaphor for why children shouldn’t be allowed to change genders, but it definitely does not mean that because, again, Matt Walsh is a trusted LGBTQ+ author who would never promote such a message!
Right?
In conclusion, we hope International Children’s Book Day is a smashing, radical, and, above all, empowering success in your home. Resist the temptation to pick up an archaic Andersen classic. After all, there’s a whole world of dads with makeup, Empowered Females™, and walruses just waiting to be explored!
