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An Open Letter From the Federal Government [Satire]

Published in Blog on July 20, 2021 by Sarah Peloquin

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The following is an open letter from the federal government to all American citizens.

Dear Taxpaying Citizen of the United Socialist States of America,

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for sending us your hard-earned money. As any informed donor taxpayer knows, the cause must be just and the mission clear and concise for anyone to voluntarily give up their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor. We appreciate immensely the sacrifices you make every year in order to see our just causes and clear missions carried out in our your name.

We’ve been able to put your money to such great use and we are positive our work is of such a noble nature you cannot be anything but proud of us. In the interest of full disclosure and to maintain the trust of our donors taxpayers, here are several programs we’ve provided for the general welfare of the world, all thanks to your hard work and involuntary sending of what you earn.

  • We gave the NIH (National Institute of Health) $36,831, 620 to study “Why stress makes your hair turn gray.” This one is especially important because the statistics show that COVID-19 and other factors in 2020 increased your stress levels exponentially, leading to many gray hairs.
  • While we’re on the topic of stress, we spent $3,125,768 asking San Franciscans about their edible cannabis use. As you know cannabis have a calming effect and may slow the graying of your hair due to stress.
  • In order for us to work most efficiently and concisely on all of the world’s United States’ internal and external problems, we decided to hire interns to take care of the drudge work. This frees us up to help you more. And the bill only came to $57,576.77.
  • Of course, there are times when we have the best of intentions, but things sometimes go wrong. It was FEMA’s fault. All of it. Bought COVID test tubes but received unusable soda bottles: $10,502,997.50. But don’t worry. We fund FEMA to take care of you, so it’s just our your money making a more circuitous route back to us you.
  • You know how you hated going to the dentist as a kid and the irrational fears just never went away? We’ve got a solution for that. Well, we’ve got a study to develop a solution for that irrational fear. You’ll appreciate the results of what the NIH will do with your $1,039,554. And you won’t be afraid of the dentist anymore. Hopefully.
  • Here’s one you’ll get a kick out of: We gave the National Science Foundation $1,557,083 to walk lizards on treadmills. I bet this was one of your unspoken questions of interest when you were a kid, wasn’t it? I know it was ours.
  • Speaking of unspoken childhood curiosity questions, we also tested the traumatic effects of bobcat urine on rats that came soaked in alcohol. We wanted to see the difference between male and female responses in rats. Not that we’re claiming rats only come in two genders because, duh. Science. Those were just the two we managed to find on such short notice. If you give us another $4,575,431, I bet the NIH and Department of Veterans Affairs could team up to add a few more genders (and non-genders) into the study.
  • Now, we know America is a big influencer on the world stage and since our own D.A.R.E. program worked so well for children here, we decided to expand the war against narcotics (and other drugs) around the globe. Afghanistan was very grateful to receive $8,620,000,000 and they put it to such great use. We think next year, we’ll be able to use the counter-narcotics funding for helping them with nuclear armament disarmament. I mean, it’s surrounded on all sides by enemies who want to destroy or annex it. And we Americans stand up for the little guy.
  • The Frankfurt school model of education has created such a tolerant and freedom-loving society in America, we decided to welcome students from another place where freedom is a rare commodity to hopefully encourage American socialist ideals around the world. Hence our Russian student exchange gap year program. The bill only came to $3,250,000. Our community colleges will never be the same again after this enriching experience.
  • And as the piece de resistance, and to prove that we are fiscally responsible with your money beyond a shadow of reasonable doubt, we also paid the interest on the public debt: $378 billion (That’s roughly $1,136.77/person in the United States). 

We could go on, but we begin to fear you might accuse us of bragging about our economic and fiscal responsibility and wisdom. In the interest of humility, we will end there. All in all, we have allocated roughly $54,746,524,505.37 in funds that may be described as having an indirect benefit for you, the taxpayer. You may question why it seems like a steep cost for gains you may not enjoy in your lifetime but remember. We are working with the future in mind. It’s not about us now in the present. That would be selfish and short-sighted. We want America to live on after we are gone. So, we are investing in things now that may seem to make little sense in the short term but will have a long-term impact that will be felt for generations to come.

All in this together,

Your Friendly Federal Government

Sarah Peloquin is the State Content Writer for Convention of States Wisconsin. If you want to join the team in your state, sign the Convention of States Petition below!

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