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What in the world is happening?! Your (kinda) satirical weekend news recap

Published in Blog on March 28, 2024 by Jakob Fay

By a show of hands, who’s ready for a long — and I mean a long — weekend to celebrate Easter and the Resurrection of Christ?

Me too.

Every week, the world around us seems to go crazy. This week, the world went extra crazy (I present three stories below to prove it), and I, for one, couldn’t be more thrilled about the (three-day) hiatus.

Somehow, I suspect I’m not alone.

As Ben Shapiro (one of the star players in this week’s drama) put it, “All the American people want is some semblance of normalcy. That’s all they want. They’re begging for it. Some semblance of just being an adult with a normal set of values would be amazing from anyone.”

“But,” he continued, “instead, we’ve decided we’re going to elevate crazy on pretty much every side of the political aisle.”

He’s right. Regardless of what you think of Shapiro, you can’t help but agree that “crazy” is on the rise everywhere in America, leading one to wonder if March Madness this year is less about basketball and more about politics.

So, before we dive into Good Friday and the long weekend, here is your (kinda) satirical weekend news recap.

1. WaPo uses Baltimore Bridge fiasco… to slander Francis Scott Key

BREAKING: A BRIDGE HAS COLLAPSED IN BALTIMORE! You know what that means! Francis Scott Key… listen, guys, listen… is a RACIST!


Less than 48 hours after a cargo ship toppled the 1.6 mile Francis Scott Key Bridge, which spans the Patapsco River in Baltimore where Key penned his famed “Star-Spangled Banner,” the Washington Post slammed the iconic American author for his allegedly “racist views.” Because, you know, top of mind for everyone the morning after Key’s bridge mysteriously capsizes is — but what did he think about slavery?? Thanks be to WaPo for answering that question for us. Unfortunately for Key — may his memory be cursed — their discoveries were, um, less than flattering.   

“Long before Baltimore's Key Bridge — one of two in the region named after Key, the other linking Washington and Virginia over the Potomac — partly collapsed, the legacy of the American lawyer and poet was a source of controversy,” the D.C.-based newspaper exposed. “Many have argued that he should not be celebrated because of what the National Park Service has called his ‘conflicted relationship with slavery.’”

You see, guys, America is racist. We know America is racist because her infrastructure is racist. We know her infrastructure is racist because this random bridge in Baltimore shares a name with some guy most Americans don’t even remember anymore who also happened to be racist. And that’s why the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed. Or something like that.

2. Oh, wait… maybe it wasn’t Francis Scott Key, but just white people more generally

A major bridge has just collapsed in your city. What do you do? Well, if you’re the mayor of Baltimore, you should… hmm, let’s think about this… oh, I know… hear me out… they’ll never expect this… you should… drumroll, please… ATTACK WHITE PEOPLE!! Mwahaha, yes, that’s exactly what you should do!

Oh, wait… what?

This week’s Key Bridge fiasco morphed almost instantly into a debate about race, in which Mayor Brandon Scott of Baltimore accused white people in his city of wanting to use the N-word but being too afraid to do so.

“I know, and we know, and you know very well that black men, and young black men in particular, have been the bogeyman for those who are racist and think that only straight, wealthy white men should have a say in anything,” the irate mayor exclaimed to none other than Joy Reid. “We know what they want to say, but they don’t have the courage to say the N-word, and the fact that I don’t believe in their untruthful and wrong ideology. And I am very proud of my heritage and who I am and where I come from scares them, because me being at my position means that their way of thinking, their way of life of being comfortable while everyone else suffers is going to be at risk, and they should be afraid because that’s my purpose in life.”


Soooo, let me get this straight: a bridge in Baltimore collapses, and all we get out of it is an impassioned confession from the city’s mayor that his “purpose in life” is to scare white people”??

As the kids might say, no cap.

3. Conservative movement collectively agrees to self-destruct after Ben Shapiro and Candace Owens part ways

I have some thoughts.

Boy, do I have thoughts.

Last week, The Daily Wire and Candace Owens “ended their relationship” after disputes about Israel and anti-Semitism, and I, like everyone else on X, have strong feelings about the whole thing. For now, I will bite my tongue and simply say this:

What on the literal earth are we doing?

For those of you who aren’t on X (or Twitter or whatever you want to call it), goodness, where do I even begin? How about this: “Right-wing X has officially entered its civil war phase in which we bicker, fight, and bludgeon each other about literally everything.” Or maybe: “Conservatives raise eyebrows with unusual new election strategy to present voters with a completely divided front.” Or maybe, more simply: “Conservatives on X are a mess.”

Sane people might have noticed that feuding incessantly with one’s fellow party members is not exactly what you’d call an efficacious campaign policy. No matter. It’s fun. At the end of each day, having accomplished nothing, we kick back and sigh, “Oh, what fun it is to eat each other alive over issues that have no bearing on the real world!” That’s what X is.

So, what are you waiting for? Join us! Leave your mark on conservative Twitter before it completely self-implodes into a flaming heap of right-wing purism, tribalism, identitarianism, grifting, and uselessness (if it isn’t already there).

That, my friends, is about all you’ll be missing should you choose to take the rest of the week off to spend time with your loved ones and celebrate Easter. Hard choice, isn’t it? Make the most of it. Monday will be here before you know it (*nervous laugh*).

And for crying out loud, stay off of X.

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