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What in the world is happening?! Your (kinda) satirical weekend news recap

Published in Blog on September 22, 2023 by Jakob Fay

This week in America, someone let your slovenly mechanic preside over the U.S. Senate, which very well may mean the end of Western Civilization is upon us, but good news!—said slovenly mechanic also offered to wear a tie (!) next week, thereby saving us, our democracy, and Ukraine! And speaking of Ukraine, the Russo-Ukrainian War is really heating up—literally. In fact, things have gotten so bad, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was forced to make an IRRESISTIBLE pitch for more money at the U.N. this week lecturing the world about climate change and “extreme weather.” Of course, because he said this, we now have no choice but to give him what he wants. (In case you didn’t realize it, that’s how fighting a war typically works.)

Also, Dr. Nefario from “Despicable Me” was demonetized on YouTube, a country “star” I’m sure nobody reading this knows about is, like,
sUpEr mad at country music, and the media is worried that anti-racist Muslim comedian Hasan Minhaj, who once roasted Donald Trump, might have accidentally perpetuated white supremacy.

That’s what’s happening in the world this week. For those who enjoy gripping tales of societal collapse, decay, and other bad things, read on!

1. Not All Senators Wear Ties

This week, all of America turned the news on and collectively gasped—“Is that my Midas mechanic!? Presiding over the U.S. Senate?! Oh wait…no, it’s just the honorable senator from Pennsylvania. That checks.” Yes, people these days just have so much respect for the federal government they elected the likes of John Fetterman—Democrats’ response to the QAnon Shaman—to Congress, paving the way for the Senate edition of Burning Man.

On Monday, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer announced the Senate would no longer enforce its formal dress code. (Shortly thereafter, Sen. Josh Hawley was reportedly seen running from a dressed-down Fetterman, who chased him like a Scooby-Doo villain down the halls of Congress). A few days later, the senator from Pennsylvania presided over a Senate session dressed in a short-sleeve shirt, no tie, and shorts. The moment was heralded by poorly dressed people everywhere, who praised Fetterman for nobly breaking the long-standing clothing barrier, an important step in the arduous fight for liberty and justice for schlumpy slobs.

Despite praise for his bold fashion choices, however, Fetterman hinted that he may consider dressing up next week on the condition that Kevin McCarthy and “Team America” give more money to Ukraine.

“If those jagoffs in the House stop trying to shut our government down,” he said on “X,” “and fully support Ukraine, then I will save democracy by wearing a suit on the Senate floor next week.”

How very generous.

2. Putin Makes Bad Weather

Tuesday, former comedian and U.N. weatherman, Volodymyr Zelenskyy of Ukraine informed the world that hot weather makes it reeeeally hard to fight a war (which is why he needs more money, naturally). He even suspects that Putin, the Ray Epps of global warming, is behind the whole thing, wielding the weather like Saruman from his dark tower (can’t we all picture Putin standing atop St. Basil's Cathedral, chanting at the sky?).

“[H]umanity is failing on its climate policy objectives,” the preachy weatherman/televangelist declared. “This means that extreme weather will still impact the normal global life and some evil state will also weaponize its outcomes. And when people in the streets of New York and other cities of the world went out on climate protest—we all have seen them… And when people in Morocco and Libya and other countries die as a result of natural disasters… And when islands and countries disappear under water… And when tornadoes and deserts are spreading into new territories… And when all of this is happening, one unnatural disaster in Moscow decided to launch a big war and kill tens of thousands of people.”

Rumor has it Zelenskyy’s speech may have accidentally been swapped, either for John Kerry’s or Greta Thunberg’s. Either way, his words moved climate activists in the U.S. government to instantly hand over the keys to Fort Knox.

3. England’s Petit-Maître/Hippy Wears a Tinfoil Hat, Gets a Timeout on Youtube

It’s not every week conservatives defend Queen of Pop Katy Perry’s ex-husband Russell Brand, described by the BBC as “distinctive for his androgynous, dandy-rock look – guyliner, cowboy boots, spray-on black jeans with slinky-hipped leather belts, waistcoats and dress shirts worn unbuttoned to display crucifixes and wooden prayer beads tangled in his chest hair.” But this week, they did.

In 2014, Russell Brand, who played Doctor Nefario in the “Despicable Me” franchise, was praised as “the best thing that has happened to the left in years.” But then he broke the rules—namely, he ventured into the realm of “conspiracy theories.” And now the left hates him.

This week, multiple women accused the openly promiscuous actor of committing sexual assault—over 10 years ago.

In all seriousness, these allegations should be taken seriously. But at this point, that’s all they are—allegations. Interestingly, YouTube immediately demonetized Brand based on nothing more than belated (albeit) serious accusations. It’s almost like they were looking for a reason to crack down on this anti-establishment, vaccine-questioning, far-right extremist freak. But why would they want to do that?!

4. Country Music Fans Are Evil

Maren Morris hates country music! And (like everything else these days) it’s all Trump’s fault—Trump ruined country music!

The former country star announced this week that she’s leaving country music (and as far as I can tell, nobody’s sad about it). You see, country people like Trump, and Trump people are mean, and this makes Maren mad. So, now she’s leaving, which is probably a good thing seeing how she hates them all anyway.

“After the Trump years, people’s biases were on full display,” she told the L.A. Times. “They were proud to be misogynistic and racist and homophobic and transphobic. All these things were being celebrated, and it was weirdly dovetailing with this hyper-masculine branch of country music.”

“I thought I’d like to burn it to the ground and start over,” she added. “But it’s burning itself down without my help.”

The media, of course, is very proud of Miss Maren for taking this important stand—CNN called her “farewell to country music” “powerful”—because these days, one of the noblest things anyone can do is call millions of Americans “misogynistic and racist and homophobic and transphobic.” ​​

5. The Muslim Who Cried Wolf

Speaking of calling Americans misogynistic, racist, homophobic, and transphobic, this week, we learned something shocking—comedians sometimes exaggerate! And as it turns out, comedian Hasan Minhaj has a particular penchant for exaggerating about the woes of living in a racist society.

When reports recently broke that the popular Muslim comedian, remembered for roasting Trump at the 2017 White House Correspondents' Dinner, grossly exaggerates his signature tales of bigotry and Islamophobia, the internet erupted in shock, disgust, and disapproval.

“Lying in Comedy Isn’t Always Wrong, but Hasan Minhaj Crossed a Line,” one NYT headline read. “Hasan Minhaj Meant Something to Brown Americans. Was It All an Act?” asked Slate. “It is fundamentally disappointing that Hasan Minhaj has been lying to us,” wrote another publication.

But why is everyone so upset? It’s not like we expect comedians to be hard-line sticklers for the truth. Well, according to MSNBC, in a weird, ironic turn of events, Minhaj’s behavior is problematic because it “could help white supremacy.” Yes, the comedian who makes a living lobbing the labels “Nazi” and “racist” like nothing might have perpetuated white supremacy.

“Lying about racism does a huge disservice to racial and ethnic minorities, and it will likely only buttress white supremacy, an apparatus designed to belittle and deny racism as it is,” says MSNBC. “Having a high-profile brown person build his career in part around fabricated experiences with racism will only feed into this narrative.”

In other words, it is not Minhaj’s fault for lying. It’s some elusive "apparatus" of white supremacy’s fault for being white supremacist, which, of course, also means that, even though Hasan Minhaj technically lied about racism in America and slandered innocent people, he still told the truth. That’s basically the moral of the story.

And that’s your recap of this week’s news. Between a tie-less senator, U.N. weatherman, canceled bohemian, moody country star, and a race-peddling fraud, what a time it is to be alive!

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