SATIRE: Drag Queen Story Hour With Mr. Rogers

“Oh, the places you’ll go
When everything is woke!”

Oh. Hello. I didn’t see you there. Welcome, welcome. Come right in. We’re just getting started. Please, take a seat. Welcome to “Gay Drag Queen Muslim Fred Rogers, Who Is Pregnant But Planning On Having An Abortion If Only He Didn’t Live In The Barbaric State Of Texas, Story Hour.” Quite the name, isn’t it? It tells you a lot about who we are. Oh, and, speaking of which, I almost forgot: I need you to fill out a New Member Card. Shouldn’t take long. Just a few questions about your vaccine status (you must be fully up to date on all vaccinations), voter history (just need to confirm you’ve never voted for a fascist), and photo evidence of one of the following: a Ukrainian flag in your Twitter bio (that is, if you haven’t deleted Twitter like the rest of us!), your Blackout Tuesday Square, or proof that you frequently wear your mask when alone in the car.

Alright. Now that we’ve got that sorted, shall we begin? I recently picked up a copy of this very famous novel—“PRIDE and Prejudice.” Obviously, it piqued my interest, being about pride and all. So, what do you say? Let’s give it a go.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

What! Oh, no. No, no, no, This will never do! How very archaic. Here, hand me my pencil. Let me see if I can do this over. Hmm. Let me think. How does this sound?

“There is NO truth universally acknowledged, but a single man, whether rich or poor, cis or trans, MAY — key word there, may — be in want of a wife, but he may also desire a husband, or he may desire an open relationship, in which he enjoys many consenting partners while never marrying any of them, or he may desire an open relationship WITH his wife or husband, or he may desire to marry a gender non-conforming person. If the former — that is, if our single man is, indeed, in want of a wife, she must first consider whether she desires to participate in a patriarchal and repressive institution.”

That last part is key. Without it, one might infer the woman has no say in the matter! So, um, come to think of it, I’m not sure we should read this book, after all. I mean, who wrote this?? The Supreme Court, more than likely! Anyways. What’s next? Eeek. The Declaration of Independence? Don’t you know that was written by a bunch of slave-owners and other really awful dudes? And yes, they were all dudes. Oh well, might as well give it a shot.

“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them....

Blah, blah, blah. This is boring. Sounds like I’m reading the King James Version of the Bible. Continuing:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of….”

O.K., what is going on here?! What phooey! What dogmatic, chauvinistic, anti-democratic phooey! We might as well have stayed in England if that’s the best those lousy Founders could come up with. Unbelievable. Let me take a stab at it (I have a degree in gender studies, after all).

“We, the human race, denounce all self-evident truths as constructs of the Dark Ages, but, nevertheless, believe that all men, women, non-binary/genderqueer persons, and animals (but mostly just the women, non-binary/genderqueer persons, and animals) are equal JUST BECAUSE, having evolved from the sludge with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life (but not for the unborn), Liberty (by which we mean license), and the pursuit of Healthcare.”

Phew. Who knew ancient literature could be so toxic! I’m exhausted. I need a light read. Does anyone have “Dreams From My Father” on hand?