Dear Taxpaying Citizen of the United Socialist States of America,
Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for sending us your hard-earned money. As any informed donor taxpayer knows, the cause must be just and the mission clear and concise for anyone to voluntarily give up their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor. We appreciate immensely the sacrifices you make every year in order to see our just causes and clear missions carried out in our your name.
We’ve been able to put your money to such great use and we are positive our work is of such a noble nature you cannot be anything but proud of us. In the interest of full disclosure and to maintain the trust of our donors taxpayers, here are several programs we’ve provided for the general welfare of the world, all thanks to your hard work and involuntary sending of what you earn.
- We gave the NIH (National Institute of Health) $36,831, 620 to study “Why stress makes your hair turn gray.” This one is especially important because the statistics show that COVID-19 and other factors in 2020 increased your stress levels exponentially, leading to many gray hairs.
- While we’re on the topic of stress, we spent $3,125,768 asking San Franciscans about their edible cannabis use. As you know cannabis have a calming effect and may slow the graying of your hair due to stress.
- In order for us to work most efficiently and concisely on all of the world’s United States’ internal and external problems, we decided to hire interns to take care of the drudge work. This frees us up to help you more. And the bill only came to $57,576.77.
- Of course, there are times when we have the best of intentions, but things sometimes go wrong. It was FEMA’s fault. All of it. Bought COVID test tubes but received unusable soda bottles: $10,502,997.50. But don’t worry. We fund FEMA to take care of you, so it’s just our your money making a more circuitous route back to us you.
- You know how you hated going to the dentist as a kid and the irrational fears just never went away? We’ve got a solution for that. Well, we’ve got a study to develop a solution for that irrational fear. You’ll appreciate the results of what the NIH will do with your $1,039,554. And you won’t be afraid of the dentist anymore. Hopefully.
- Here’s one you’ll get a kick out of: We gave the National Science Foundation $1,557,083 to walk lizards on treadmills. I bet this was one of your unspoken questions of interest when you were a kid, wasn’t it? I know it was ours.
- Speaking of unspoken childhood curiosity questions, we also tested the traumatic effects of bobcat urine on rats that came soaked in alcohol. We wanted to see the difference between male and female responses in rats. Not that we’re claiming rats only come in two genders because, duh. Science. Those were just the two we managed to find on such short notice. If you give us another $4,575,431, I bet the NIH and Department of Veterans Affairs could team up to add a few more genders (and non-genders) into the study.
- Now, we know America is a big influencer on the world stage and since our own D.A.R.E. program worked so well for children here, we decided to expand the war against narcotics (and other drugs) around the globe. Afghanistan was very grateful to receive $8,620,000,000 and they put it to such great use. We think next year, we’ll be able to use the counter-narcotics funding for helping them with nuclear armament disarmament. I mean, it’s surrounded on all sides by enemies who want to destroy or annex it. And we Americans stand up for the little guy.
- The Frankfurt school model of education has created such a tolerant and freedom-loving society in America, we decided to welcome students from another place where freedom is a rare commodity to hopefully encourage American socialist ideals around the world. Hence our Russian student exchange gap year program. The bill only came to $3,250,000. Our community colleges will never be the same again after this enriching experience.
- And as the piece de resistance, and to prove that we are fiscally responsible with your money beyond a shadow of reasonable doubt, we also paid the interest on the public debt: $378 billion (That’s roughly $1,136.77/person in the United States).
We could go on, but we begin to fear you might accuse us of bragging about our economic and fiscal responsibility and wisdom. In the interest of humility, we will end there. All in all, we have allocated roughly $54,746,524,505.37 in funds that may be described as having an indirect benefit for you, the taxpayer. You may question why it seems like a steep cost for gains you may not enjoy in your lifetime but remember. We are working with the future in mind. It’s not about us now in the present. That would be selfish and short-sighted. We want America to live on after we are gone. So, we are investing in things now that may seem to make little sense in the short term but will have a long-term impact that will be felt for generations to come.
All in this together,
Your Friendly Federal Government
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Dear U.S. Federal Government,
My mom made me do an exercise in high school calculating how much money I earned versus how much money I spent in my lifetime (up until that point).
Not only did I spend all of my hard-earned money with very little in savings, but there were often times when my poor little checking account earned overdraft fees because I spent more than I had earned. At $25 a pop, those overdraft fees were just another drain on my budget, and I learned really quick how horrible I was with money. Especially since my earnings proved to be somewhere in the range of $25-27,000 dollars to that date (hey, babysitting and paper routes were rather lucrative in my Chicago suburb).
Ironically enough, it took another 15 years before I got my act together and realized that my free-spirited ways had sunk me into over $117,000 dollars of debt from consumer loans, credit cards, medical bills, car payments, and student loans. It’s a really sad day when your OWN children look you in the eye and ask why they can’t go on vacation that year. How do you tell your child that your poor spending/saving habits deprived them of opportunities?
Guess what, Federal Government? The only difference in this scenario is that We the People are the Parent. We’ve abdicated our role for far too long and this spending craze is going to stop. We the People need to start telling you where our money should go.
I’ll give you a hint:
It’s not going to be paying $2.6 million for the retirement accounts of chimpanzees you’ve moved out of your science labs due to old age.
And it’s definitely not going to be paying $25 million for women in Pakistan to be able to open bank accounts without their husband’s signatures.
Sincerely,
We the People
Convention of States has the only long-term, Constitutional solution to the ever-growing problem in Washington D.C. Through the proposing of amendments that demand fiscal responsibility and balanced budgets, We the People can finally remind D.C. that our money is to be spent on defending our borders, providing for the general welfare, and protecting the God-given rights and liberties of the people.
Want change? Want to remind YOUR government where YOUR money needs to go? Support COS Today.
